The pile of Pączkis in my local grocer remind me that “Fat Tuesday” (Polish Mardi Gras) is upon us. Pączkis are rich cream or compote filled donuts. A final indulgence before Ash Wednesday begins 40 days of fasting. I choose not to observe this ritual because my body gives me plenty of reminders that I am returning to ash and dust.
This annual observance of gluttony and fasting is supposed to remind me that I am a sinner, a slave to “original sin” or “utter depravity.” The assumption is that I will somehow be transformed by ritualized indulgence and self-denial. Except that I am not. I remain vexed by behaviors and motives I do not understand. So from time to time I pray:
"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
Even though I am no longer religious, somehow this prayer has stuck with me. When I recite these words, I often extend it, “that I may have mercy on others.” What is it about this prayer that resonates in me?
As I thought about it, I realized that as a "sinner" I am simply a person with a shadow (dark side). I share this trait with all of humanity. Yet I was taught that being baptized or "accepting Jesus" would render me free of sin (my shadow). I was taught to place all of my sin, my wrong attitudes, motives, and doings on Jesus so I don't have to deal with my own darkness. St Paul wrestled with his darkness when he observed:
"For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." -Romans 7:19
Like St Paul, I noticed that my darkness didn't go away. Paul finally asks “who will deliver me?” and answers his own question when he says “through Jesus Christ my Lord.” But what is it about Jesus that deals with our shadow? Jesus makes it visible!
Jesus made the collective shadow of society visible. The shadow of society is reflected in its caste system. Jesus upended the caste system of his day by making invisible people visible. He took notice of the lame, the blind, the leprous, tax collectors, and prostitutes. He took them out of the shadows of society and treated them with dignity. In the end that was the charge against him, “he eats with tax collectors and prostitutes.”
Jesus also dealt with individual shadows. When he challenged the rich young man to follow him and the man refused because he had wealth and standing in society, his attachment to wealth was exposed.
Simply observing religious rituals and practices alone did nothing to transform me or anyone else I know. Religious practices do help us feel good about ourselves. Acts of penance makes us feel like we've paid for our sins. Piety bolsters our standing in a community. But as soon as something challenges our notion of goodness, who is deserving of help, who belongs and who doesn't, our dark side comes out.
So what to do about our shadow? Keep it in view! Like a mischievous cat. Those of you who have cats know that silence means one of two things: they are sleeping or they are up to something. So we close off rooms to limit their range… and keep them in view.
Our shadows are a part of who we are because we have substance. We exist. And we cast a shadow in the presence of light. Attempting to deny our shadow only results in projection on someone else. This results in blaming, shaming, and scapegoating.
“On a cultural level, shadow means what our group, our tribe, our religion, our political party deems negative, out of bounds, to be shunned, to be improved, or to be punished. Behind every social oppression lurks a piece of group shadow whose members are exporting it onto others who are not of their tribe. When the shadow part is not faced, it goes unconscious and lives there.” ~Ann Belford Ulanov, Where to put the Bad?
So I will skip the Pączkis. I will forgo the ashes on my head. I will try to keep my shadow in view. I will hold it in tension and accept that it is a part of me. If I can see my shadow, then I can be sure it will not act through me. I can treat all people with dignity, which is the most subversive thing you can do in this day and age.
